April 28, 2009
To: All Associates
From: Stanislaus Foswapivick, M.D., M.P.H., S.O.B.,A.F.L-CIO, RIAA, U.N.C.L.E.
Assistant Vice President-Rumormongering and Riot Incitation
Subject: Safety first - precautions against swine flu
Yesterday the World Health Organization (WHO) raised the level of influenza pandemic alert from phase 3 to phase 4. This means that:
· The likelihood of a pandemic has increased by a factor of 1. No one knows what this means.
· Data demonstrates human-to-human, swine-to-human, human-to-swine, and mongoose-to-goldfish transmission, and the ability of the virus to cause community-level outbreaks in uninhabited areas.
We have had no reports of swine flu at any of our facilities, nor among any of our associates, but are sure that it's only a matter of time before someone tries to take a day off because of it.
We certainly don't want to over-react more than necessary, as the numbers of those affected by swine flu are still relatively low and cases in the U.S., at least, have so far been considered mild to annoying. However, in light of the increased risk of spreading this illness, we recommend all employees panic at the earliest opportunity to get it out of the way. In addition, try these easy steps to avoid infection. (Note that none of these steps are proven to do anything useful, but we hope that they will make you feel empowered.)
· Avoid close contact with people who are sick. Some people may be faking wellness; avoid them as well. And that guy in accounting who claims to have "Allergies" ? Shun him at all costs.
Close contact with swine is also to be avoided, as is contact with people who eat too much ham, like bacon, or snort when they laugh. And mimes. Definitely avoid mimes.
· When you are sick, stay home and keep your distance from others. We suggest digging a shallow grave in your backyard; the exercise will do you good, and it will be appreciated by those you leave behind when the swine flu causes you to spontaneously combust.
· Cover your mouth and nose with a tissue when coughing or sneezing. Cover the mouth and nose of those around you who are coughing, sneezing, belching, riverdancing, snoring, or grinding their teeth. Preferably with a pillow.
· Wash your hands thoroughly and often. Every 6 minutes should do it. Use plenty of soap, scalding hot water, disinfectant, antibacterial moisturizer, and a dash of pickle juice for flavor.
· Avoid touching your eyes, nose, mouth, children, neighbors, and television remote controls. If you absolutely must touch one of these filthy disgusting items, use your elbow. Or a stick.
· Practice other good health habits - get plenty of sleep, be physically active, manage your stress, drink plenty of fluids, eat nutritious food, cut down on your smoking, cut down on your heroin intake, cut down on hog juggling, and above all else, cut down on going to work.